


A Pineapple's Tale

by locusdesperatus



Category: Biohazard | Resident Evil (Gameverse)
Genre: Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, Friendship, Personal Growth, i'm bs-ing i have no idea how to tag this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-05
Updated: 2020-01-05
Packaged: 2021-02-19 00:47:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,152
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22135834
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/locusdesperatus/pseuds/locusdesperatus
Summary: This was written as a book in a minecraft server at 2am while I was sleep deprived and contact high.I guess you could consider it a children's book.
Comments: 7
Kudos: 10





	A Pineapple's Tale

There once was a pineapple who lived in the produce aisle, under bright lights and fine mists. He liked his life, and had many other pineapple friends. Together they laughed and sang songs about greener pastures and life in the fields under the blazing sun. There was no sun in the produce aisle, only the harsh glow of the lights inside the bunker they lived in. 

The pineapple missed the blue skies of the field he grew up in, and he often cried and cried while thinking about the clouds he used to call friends.

"Don't worry," his friend the dragon fruit said. "One day, we'll be free to leave this place, and have our leaves tickled by the wind once again."

"I hope you're right." The pineapple replied. "I miss my dear mother and father, oh how they must worry and fret."

One day, while the pineapple was in the middle of a wonderful joke about a peach's fuzz, a strong hand wrapped around his stem, and pulled him out of the bunker.

"Ow!" He cried out. "That hurts!"

"What the…" A man with scruffy blond hair dropped him into a basket. "You can talk?" He asked.

"Of course I can talk!" The pineapple huffed. "You need to learn some manners, mister!"

"I'm sorry, you just scared me." The man said. He looked around the produce aisle before turning back to the pineapple. "Can all of you talk?"

"Yes!" The pineapple rustled its leaves. "Why, my friend the brussel sprout says you look like you need a nap!" 

"Well," the man sighed. "Your brussel sprout friend isn't wrong." He began to walk away from the produce section, and the pineapple felt his core begin to sink.

"Where are we going, mister?"

"You can call me Leon, and we're going home."

"Where is that?" The pineapple asked. "Does it have open sky and sun and clouds? Do the birds sing and chirp in tune with the wind?"

"It has some of that." Leon told him. "Tell you what, if you promise to keep my garden happy and blooming, I'll keep you out under the sky and sun and clouds, where the birds sing and chirp in tune with the wind."

"Deal!" The pineapple felt his spines wiggle and stretch, happy that he no longer had to stay inside the produce aisle.

The ride home was rough and bumpy, and several times the pineapple was scared. His leaves trembled and shook, and his spines scraped against the crinkly brown box Leon had put him in.

"Oh no! Oh no!" He cried. "I do not like this at all! I do not see the sky or sun or clouds, and I do not hear the birds singing and chirping in tune with the wind!"

"Be patient, friend." Leon called to him. "We're nearly there. Keep your chin up for a while longer."

The pineapple bravely gathered his leaves and took a deep breath, determined to hold up his end of the deal.

After what seemed like an eternity, he felt the box shift, and soon he felt warmth coat his spines.

"The sun! The sun!" He yelled with glee. "At last it has returned!" His leaves shook with excitement as he was carried into a garden lines with flowers he'd never met.

"I hope you'll be friends." Leon set him down beside the pink and purple flora. "The mean old crows keep digging up their roots and allowing the weeds to prosper. But with your spines, perhaps you can scare them away?"

"I'll do my best!" The pineapple told him, puffing its spines out as best it could. "I'll yell and shout, and I'll turn all about, and show those mean old crows what I'm made of!"

The flowers bent and danced in the wind, welcoming him with open petals.

"Keep us safe, be our guard." They whispered, voices blending together in a vibrant melody. "And in return, we shall sway and sing for you."

And so the pineapple found a new life, protecting beauty of which he'd never seen. The flowers gave him company as he bravely faced the legions of crowd, who cawed and screeched in anger.

"Give up! Give up!" They cackled. "You're naught but skin and fiber! We crows are strong and fast, and shall tear you all asunder!"

"I think not!" The pineapple replied. "For I am bound by duty! For my good friend I guard these flora, and for him I shall not falter!"

The crows squawked and screamed, but hastened in their retreat.

"Hah!" The pineapple told the flowers. "They'll think twice before returning."

And think twice they did, with all their cunning. The Corvus came back again, this time with their great leader, the lord of crows, a fierce and battle-hardened beast. Jericho was his name, proud and strong as any. His call was heard across the land, and inspired terror in many.

"JRR-CO! JRR-CO!"

"Oh no! Oh no!" The flowers wept, twisting their leaves in anguish. "Jericho comes, and he will prevail. He'll tear us all up, and laugh as we wail!"

"Fear not!" The pineapple told them, shaking out his leaves. "Let him come and face me. I do not fear him, nor any crow. I'd like to see them try and take me."

For all his bravado and unblemished strength, the pineapple stood no chance. After all, he was but a lowly fruit, raised in greener pasture.

"JRR-CO! JRR-CO!" Jericho descended from the heavens. With a mighty flap of his wings, he landed in front of the crowd. "JRR-CO! So it is you who dates to rebuke my finest men." He cocked his head, black eyes glistening. "Long has it been since I have feasted on something so sweet. Let the games begin!"

He dove for the pineapple, beak askew, when a great force he did encounter. A boot to the head had him screeching and cawing, and his murder fast retreating.

"Oh, I could've taken him, give me a chance!" The pineapple protested.

"I apologize, for I think not. Despite all you spines, their beaks and claws are better sharpened." Leon sat beside the pineapple, holding another brown box. "You have held up your end of the deal, and though I know not what pineapples like, I hope this conveys my gratitude."

With a shout and a yell, the pineapple rejoiced, for from the box, familiar faces were spotted.

"Mother! Father!" His leaves unfurled with glee as they were set beside him.

"Our son! Our son!" They did rejoice, their love overflowing. Even the flowers, swaying and singing, bowed their heads to join in the celebrations.

And so the garden came to prosper, its harmony beyond all measure. And for days and weeks and months and years, in the sky and sun and clouds, where the birds sang and chirped in tune with the wind, the pineapple took his leisure.

The End.

**Author's Note:**

> Don't look at me like that.
> 
> Twitter: @locusdesperatus


End file.
